31st August

Today's lesson: Humans are all selfish, just dont feed the dog that bites.

While you try your best to stitch up others' wounds, there they are carving their knives.

Just a random thought, theres no explanation for it.

recent addiction: ice bandung and psp.

I think instead of trying to be 'the great saint', I'd rather be myself. hate it, leave it.
Just dont talk behind my back alright?

I wonder if people know 'limits', sometimes I dont think I do. *shakes head

and sometimes people do take things for granted. Most of the time actually... Until a day comes when all is gone....

Tomorrow is the official end to boring lessons! Let it be a fun day without people ruining it.

Alamak!

Haha.. 'Alamak!' Is the new cool word! And before somebody steals this... COPYRIGHT! :)




Anyways, I was intending to post some fantastic pictures of my Genting trip but because the pictures are in my lappy and I'm using the desktop, I shall blog about something else.


Haha. Stole this picture from Lengs. Yep, indeed the times spent with them is undeniably one of the best things throughout my JC life. I've never regretted (and I never will) knowing this bunch of crazy little girls of very different backgrounds coming together and having loads of fun. Even at this point in time, when we are supposed to be terribly stressed out and restless, yet they made this period enjoyable as well. We study, we play and we helped each other along the way. Nobody gets left out and everyone is free to share their problems. gloomy days and pissy moods, we'll walk it through. =)

Just recently, a friend of mine was talking to me about friendships and this got me thinking: 'How sure are you that you're being treated as a good friend over there?'.
And now I think I know. I know, because my friend, it really isnt how they really feel about you, but how they make you think they feel about you. With them, you just know that they'll be there. Yes, they all have best friends out there somewhere which they probably treasure more, but at least they dont make you feel left out, they dont make you sad, they care about you, they dont take you for granted and they make you feel that we can just spend quality time together without anyone else. Its not always me me me, but us. You probably dont understand still, but with them I feel loved and I feel that they enjoyed my presence. No pretense necessary and no selfish moments. I am free and happy.

Thanks guys.

Today's Date(so anti climax.. tsk!): 30th July

The way things are

In just one night, I've lost 4 people. Of which all thinks I'm a tyrant, 1 hates me, 1 is angry, 1 is a victim under my tyranny and 1 just follows the crowd and none bothers to do anything about it..

and life goes on...

Just so you know, I'm not going to do anything either. It cant always be me.

and Just for the record, tyrants do get hurt.. (at least in my case I'm sure..)

Blogging is seriously getting better. I feel so much better now.

ahh.... life goes on.. and on.. and on..

ok! Off to disturb my little sis! =))))

Sorrow slips away

The sky is clear now, I've just walked through another storm, and feeling much better now. The problem isnt exactly solved, but I'm back to where I was before, and I'm not going to let it get into me again.

Thanks to my friends who are always by my side, ready to listen, and advice. I wonder when was the last time somebody cared. But now, at least I know they do. Blessed I must say I am.

I think I'm a very stubborn person. I like to do things my way and it doesnt really please people at times. SO sorry for the disagreements but I'm glad you guys voiced out. Its always good to listen to the other side of the story. But of course, its also comforting to know that somebody agrees with you as well.

Special thanks to Sha Sha and Lengs who have been with me throughout my emo days, listening to my problems. =)

and of course theres Sze ying... Who is always there as well...

and the rest who made school less stressful and more fun. =)

OK thats about it..

A reply to a comment

Here's what I have to say:

There has been a thousand things going through my mind recently. On certain days I dont even feel like talking, doing work or even move.
I thank you for the comment, but I must admit, your words do hurt.
Because I feel that you dont understand.. still.
My greatest regret was to pour out all my feelings, because it made things worse.
I wished I could just endure a little longer, but I cant.
Cause it hurts and nobody understands.

People like to help when they see their friends having problems, but sometimes, its good to ask first before you confront the other party.
Now I cant help but feel a little awkward when I am talking to you guys.
And sometimes all we want is just a listening ear.
Nothing more.

I do care alot
and thats why I am unhappy.
I didnt want to say it, cause I know it'll leak
and true enough.
I know, 'dont think too much' is all you'll say
But have you all thought about it......'CAN I??'
There is a reason why I see things the way they are.
Nobody can be sure if I'm thinking too much or if its really as I've said
Thats the way I am.

I notice little actions
Because they tell the truth.
Unexpectedly
And deliberate actions, are just how the person wants to portray themselves as.

I'm not trying to act philosophical here, just trying to make you understand me.
I'm not the 'what you see is what you get' kind of person.
So you may think I'm weird, scary and not very approachable.
Because I hardly relate my feelings to others, but recently I've been opening up.

DIdnt work

I'm sorry for scaring you today. Was feeling abit pissed so my tone became a little harsh, although I didnt mean for it to come out this way.

I do not want to salvage anything because it is useless.
not because I dont care.
If I didnt care I wouldnt feel so sad.
I wouldnt have to waste the tears.
I wouldnt have to stare at my work with my head and heart somewhere else.
and ironically, I was sad because I thought others didnt care.

Life, takes you by the hand, then throws you off the cliff.

I'm on bad terms with almost everyone now. Friends I used to treasure very much.
A part of me doesnt want to remain like this. So I dont want any changes because I'll get sad again.. Then whats the point? Maybe its my fault and my emo, over reacting thoughts and actions. But thats just me. WHY DOESNT ANYONE UNDERSTAND?!

Ignorance is BLISS. Insensitivity is JOY.

Me and my self centred life.

Once again, a sad post. Once again..

Finally, like everyone else I know, I'm going to be selfish for the benefit of my soul.

Its almost over now, and I guess now is the time to truly let go. There is no point in holding on to something you feel sad with. I cant walk on anymore, I'm paranoid, I'm depressed and I'm thinking too much.

Perhaps I read a little too much into things. But am I wrong? I think my reasoning makes sense, its not a stubborn thought. I'm just very confident about this. How sure are you? Someday in time you'll see what I see, know the secrets that I've been keeping and truly understand.
You have a point, I understand what you mean, but you dont experience it, so you dont know. Yet.

Miscommunication really sucks. Sucks when you're misunderstood, accused. Sucks when they take the opportunity to stab you. Sucks when they dont appreciate. Sucks when your good friend took sides against you. Sucks when they are standing at the corner, watching, laughing, criticising.

and like a fool, I pretend that I dont see.


and others. think I'm weird and thinking too much.

Yea.. I'm crazy and suffering from depression.

Haha, and I seriously thought we are special. I'm nothing.

Its just one of the days you'll lie on your chair, giving the numbed laughter and engaging in a moment of self pity.

From now on, never to think about this. Dont think any further to prevent any more hurt. I will enjoy my life loving myself and being so god-damned selfish.

Isolation starts from this very moment.

I like myself, my character and everything about me in my own little world with just me in it.

Oh no..

5th July. ( see mengli! I remembered to put the date!) =)

Haha, went to the library to do a little work today. It was a.. weird experience.
Firstly..
I shared the table with a lady at the cafe. After awhile her daughter(ard 5 yrs old) came over and...

daughter(looking at me): hello auntie something! (forgot what was it)
Me: ...
Lady: What auntie.. JIE JIE!
daughter(eyes still fixated on me): Oh.. But she look like auntie something!
Me: ...

After some time,
Lady: Erm.. what primary school or secondary school are you in?
Me: Errrr... I'm from JJ (I'm wearing JJ love fiesta btw)
Lady(awkward): Oh.. junior college...

Nice.

Well, at least on an average I look my age... =.=

Went Alexandra Village to have dinner with family. Saw the cute pc teacher with his wife. Awww.. they were holding hands like young couples on a date!

Now.. Talking about yesterday
Cool day at school! All we did was basketball and more basketball. So fun although I think I screamed more than I touched the ball.
:S
Went mayim for lunch, wow 10 of us! Its quite good, but I dont know whether its the company or the food. Maybe both. Haha. We exchanged numerous ghost stories as well. Seriously I think its really cute of guys to be afraid of the paranormal and admit it. Its always cute for guys to admit their flaws I guess, given their egoistic nature.
Then we head down to Mac and do what we girls do best. Chat. Chat. Chat. About chalet, about friends, about everything.
After which only me, linda, lengs, best and mengli were left doing nothing and dont wish to go home. Credit goes to mengli for inviting us to her hse for mahjong. Thanks man. Had fun!! Wasnt very lucky that day, just won a few rounds but ya, wasnt so bad! And her house is so freaking big and nice! I couldnt stop praising her place to my dad and insisting that he should consider toh guan!! Lols... Its really great and did I ever mentioned? Her sister is damn cool. She has got 'sense'. haha.. dont know how else to describe.

Motivation

Motivated to do many things starting from now. Ever since school reopened, it seemed like alot of things has changed. My environment, my lifestyle and my path. So its a good thing, at least for now. Yes, and I'm inspired to be a vegan, but dont think I have the determination to do so. After all, Its really hard to dine out with your friends and family unless you're willing to settle for a pathetic bowl of salad while the rest tuck in to their juicy steaks.. Gosh!

Heh Heh.. SUBWAY STUDENT MEAL is finally here in jurong point. Cold Cut regular meal for $5.50! Cheap!!

Haha, afew of us stayed behind after school today to relive our childhood by playing games like 'pepsi cola', 'iceman', 'eagle and the chicks', 'handiplast' and open numbers. Fun and we made hell of a noise.

Its all my fault. I should've known better.

PLease, keep my mouth shut.

Nostalgure & a note to a friend

Was packing my stuff when I came across some of my secondary school pictures together with little gifts and dust-filled letters. Its quite shocking to see how much a person can change within a short few years and sad to say, mine is more of getting worse.. Of course, we'd hope to travel back in time and change certain things in life. Yet, the mistakes and follies of the past serve as a lesson and something you'll laugh about in years to come. A wonderful memory you might say.

Slap Slap, back to reality. Strive for tomorrow before it turns into history. =)

Some people dont understand me, yet its the people that does, matters most.

To a special someone:
I think in the midst of reading this, you'll probably realise that I'm talking about you. Recently, alot of things have changed and not everyone likes to just sit and watch. I will not engage in a conversation with you about this topic, because it seems that we'll never reach a consensus. A couple of months ago, you chose a path for yourself. You believed that it was the right one, so we respected your decision, and loved you all the same. But now, that this path draws you away from your friends, your usual self, it is getting worrying. We've had talks among ourselves, disagreements most of the time, and its hard to watch you drift away. Perhaps we do not have the best influence, but once upon a time, at least, you enjoyed our presence, just like we enjoyed yours. I'm not your closest friend, neither am I anywhere near, but I'm not blind, deaf and dumb. Therefore, I feel that as a friend, that I should attempt to pull you back, and tell you what I see and hear. Although you still laugh and joke, but there is a distance now, I hope you know.. You may not agree with me. Choose to ignore and walk away. But do remember we are always here if you decide to turn back someday.