A day at home forced me to spent alot of time thinking. The thoughts we too deep and dark that it made me drowsy and lethargic for the whole day.

I have successfully gotten him out of my life. The culprit who left me holding on to my chest like my heart was going to give way anytime. He remains a memory, an abandoned and incomplete scaffolding. It, however, also meant that I had nothing left to hope for whenever he signs into msn, whenever he messages, whenever he calls.. It was as if a part of me went missing and I have nothing to fill up that missing spot. As much as I'd like to be strong and move on like its no big deal, I know I'm living with an empty spot and although it doesnt hurt anymore... I guess I still need some time to get used to it. It is a wonder how it took so long and if he had seen this entry, he would probably think I'm overreacting, or being too emotional, as usual. I'd like to think that all this happened because I didnt manage to get someone better to replace him. That I was too desperate for a companion so I kept clinging on to the past. Then it would all be just a convenient misunderstanding from the start. I shant carry on with this topic.

To my friends whom are so beautifully perfect and imperfect in different ways, I am still trying to appreciate and banish those bad and selfish thoughts. There were many times that I get really worked up with individuals, but I'm really trying to be more positive. Cheating myself when I have to and learning to live with some insensitivity. Looking back, I think I'm very different today. I didnt have friends I could confide in back then, but I do now. Although I still have many dark thoughts kept inside, I've learnt to be more truthful and dependent. Because we tell each other when we encounter problems, we complain about our sad lives, we do ugly poses and laugh at horrible jokes, we cry watching a sad movie, we ask when we have a question even though its silly, we reject what we dont like, and we laugh at every fall, I am comfortable to be myself as I know we all have weaknesses.

Certain things I have to clear up before I go to bed.
Sha, I know it has been bothering you for some time, about the helping incident. I really wasnt pissed. I was just, very confused. Cause I actually felt bad that I was complaining a little too much to you and lengs, it was almost like I was trying to gain alliance and get everyone to agree and pity me, which I felt wasnt doing 'Person A' justice and I didnt want anyone to misunderstand. The talk with 'Person B' came to me as a shock, because I preferred to settle this on my own since I am the best person to do so. I heard this from 'Person X' and according to her, 'Person B' got even more worked up, and it hurt me to hear this, and truthfully I wasnt so happy to be kept in the dark, thats why. I felt that 'Person B' didnt get my intentions correctly, so I thought that it probably made matters worse. I appreciate your help of course, for I know that you meant well and was trying to help. I wasnt angy, but felt I wanted a confidante more than a third party resolution. Maybe my blog post came out harsh but please forgive me as my mood wasnt so good at that point in time and I wasnt able to think straight.

I feel so much better now.. =]