It took me awhile to decide what my first post should be. Then I thought it should be of an issue that is closest to the heart. Somehow fate had a part in the decision making process as I happened to quarrel with my mum today. So this post is about family.
Family is the most important thing in my life among all the other important stuff such as friends and all that. (Yes, my friends are reading this. :x) I would gladly give up my life for theirs and I've never doubted this.
Since young, my elder sis was the trouble kid. She was always mixing around with the wrong company, doing stupid stunts and basically the rebellious one who makes everyone of us worried. My younger sis, on the other extreme, came out not quite as expected. Yes, as you all already know, intellectually disabled, to put it nicely. Like my elder sis she creates trouble too, although unintentionally. So at the back of my head, I've always told myself not to be an additional burden to the family, although it is not always appreciated. My parents often quarrel and I'm always trying to be a peacemaker between my dad and my mum, my sis and my mum, my dad and my sis. Yea, you get the gist. So I've had names like two headed snake, faker and all that. Crude remarks by family members arent the easiest to deal with. Sensitive I must admit I am, yet I think that sensitivity works its best when the issue is most important. Dont you agree?
So being the 'peacelover' aka [guai kia] of the family, the worst thing is negligence. Because I was never the main issue. That I didnt mind, but it did affect me a little when my parents do too much for my sister, when they had to accomodate her. In the family, I play the role of [The listener], always hearing what they have to say about each other, about work, etc. So I dont really have anyone to talk to at home. All I do is sit in front of the computer, admiring other peoples' lives.
Today, I quarrel with my mum over the silliest issue, university education. I was angry because it didnt seem to be about me, but all about her and reputation. Is it so important to introduce yourself as an NUS student? It hurts me more that she thinks she knows it all when she doesnt. The breaking point was when we talked about money. She told me what she wanted to get for my sis and my sister's boyfriend and I merely said " whoa, my birthday you also never give me that much" and blah.. that was it. My mum started comparing with the fact that I gave her a cheap massager whereas my sister gave her money. My sister's boyfriend gave her money as well. She cares about her more. I'm hot tempered and rude. I'm a bad daughter. My sister was right when she told her never to depend on me when she is old, and stuff like that. Initially, it didnt hurt me much. It was only when I started remembering the times I stood up for her and comparing it to the times she stood up for me did I start pitying myself, and that triggered the anger. So my day was ruined with me ignoring her. I was hurt, when after all I had done, nobody appreciates. I was sad, of all the times I spoke up for my sister, she told my mum to never depend on me. I was angry, that I try so hard to persuade my sis to not leave the house, that we should appreciate our parents for all they've done and what did I get in the end?!
But instead of anger, today was more of guilt. Because I quarrelled with my mother. Because today we were all supposed to celebrate father's day and I'm not there. Because I stubbornly stayed in the room despite my father's calls to 'give him face and go'. So I'm sad. It was never hate but hurt. Yet no one understands.
I have to confess though, that this only applies on a nuclear level. Extended family, I have to admit, I've never played a fillial role as a granddaughter. I will always remember the day I lost my grandfather. His love for me, recipocrated by my disgusting actions. To this date, it remains as a haunting memory that never fails to bring me down. My life is full of regrets, and this one is the worst.
No comments:
Post a Comment